When Letting Go is the Bravest Thing You Can Do

 There are things better left unsaid—not out of fear of hurting someone, but because silence can sometimes be kinder than truth. Still, today, I found the courage to say them. To write them. This might be long. And maybe one day you'll find this, or maybe you won't. It doesn't really matter anymore. What matters is that I was once brave enough to take a risk that cost me more than I expected. It broke me.

I'm not angry. I don't hate you. But everything eventually consumed me until I no longer recognized the love I once had for you. I don’t even know what kind of love it was anymore.

To RK:

I wanted to tell you all this directly, but maybe leaving it here is better. We had a small story—beautiful at moments—but incomplete. I appreciated the consistency you showed, but then you drifted. There were years we were apart, and I never asked much. I was afraid of the answers.

Still, I’m grateful. I experienced a kind of love that others long for. But along the way, that love lost its respect. It stopped feeling like love and more like possession—something I couldn't make sense of.

From the beginning, deep down, I knew we wouldn’t end the way you always dreamed we would. I stayed not because I believed in a future with you, but because I wanted to make up for the mistakes I made. I wanted to prove something—to you, and maybe to myself. But in doing so, I became trapped. Afraid that someone else would give you what I could have, and in that fear, I stayed for the wrong reasons.

I’m sorry for not being completely honest. Maybe I did try to tell you, but you refused to listen. I remember one argument so vividly—it ended with me begging you not to take your life. That moment shook me. It made me realize that I wasn’t staying for love anymore—I was staying out of guilt and fear.

I can't explain how much that broke me. I lived through a quiet kind of hell while you remained focused only on what you wanted for us. You were blind to my struggles. But in that pain, I learned how to stand on my own. You taught me to defend myself, to face my weaknesses, to grow.

I'm grateful for the love you gave me, even if it didn’t last the right way. Over time, I grew apart. I was consumed by pain I couldn’t even talk about with you—because to you, only one thing mattered: marriage. And I couldn’t give that.

You refused to listen. You refused to understand me.

When I finally said I couldn’t see myself with you anymore, it wasn’t the hardest thing to say—it was the easiest. Because it was the truth. I wanted to run. I needed to escape. The love had faded, and I can't blame myself for that anymore. You had your chance—and maybe I blew it too—but I know this much: I did try.

I’m sorry for all the broken promises and hopes. We became too comfortable, too complacent. We didn’t realize we were falling apart until it was too late. The first time you broke my heart was the hardest. The second time? It just... happened. Effortlessly.

I still wish you happiness. I truly do.

There will be someone who will love you endlessly, someone who will stay, who will fight for you. I’m sorry I lost myself while trying to bring you back into my life. My mental health suffered, and you didn’t even notice. That hurt the most.

I tried to be the person I wanted to be for you—but it was so hard the second time around. Too many reminders. Too much blame. I couldn’t carry it anymore.

If I fell out of love, maybe it was God telling me that it was time to stop. To let go of what I had grown used to. It’s not easy—but I will do it. For my peace. For my well-being. Call it selfishness if you must, but I can’t keep going like this.

I know now: love isn’t always enough to stay.

I pray that your heart will find peace—that God’s grace will soften this goodbye. I hope it doesn’t hurt too much.

And I hope one day, you’ll understand why I had to choose myself.

Postscript: 

If love alone could have saved us, we would have made it. But love—real love—needs more than just emotion. It needs understanding, patience, and growth. I gave all that I could, and in the end, I lost myself.

I will always carry a piece of what we had in my heart—not out of regret, but as a reminder that I once loved fiercely. And that I was brave enough to walk away when I knew I couldn’t give what you wanted anymore.

Take care. I wish you a love that will never make you question your worth.

What I Never Said Out Loud

 Here I go again—starting a blog, the usual and classic way. It’s been years since I last did this, and honestly, I don’t even know where the time went. Life happened, I guess. I’ve been busy teaching, pursuing postgrad studies, working, and managing everything else in between.

Blogging used to be such a big part of my life. Looking back, it helped me grow, reflect, and understand myself on a deeper level. It became my outlet, especially during one of the darkest times—when I lost my mother. A part of me died with her. And taking a path I never truly wanted was the biggest game changer in my life. I poured my thoughts into words every day, using writing as my escape. In doing so, I forgot how to live in the real world.

Then came a turning point. Reality demanded more from me. I got caught up with life, especially nearing graduation. That’s when I lost access to my old blog, telelahbells. I forgot the password and eventually, the habit faded. I started living more in the present, with people in front of me, not just behind a screen.

Maybe part of me stopped blogging because I didn’t want to relive the memories—especially the love that once was, and the grief that nearly broke me. I never really allowed myself to grieve properly. I didn’t cry as hard as I should have. I buried the pain, kept moving, because if I didn’t, I might’ve lost myself completely.

Blogging reminds me of those struggles—the ones no one ever really saw. Maybe some people would understand if I had shared it, but I never did. I didn’t talk about the pain. I didn’t show it. I was so hard on myself. I wasn’t even kind to my own heart. That was me then. That’s how I survived.

And now, here I am, writing again. Maybe because I need to. Because there are still things I’m keeping inside, and I need a space to release them. One day, I’ll look back at this and remember how far I’ve come—and how to live a life filled with meaning, with beauty, and with heart.

Use energy wisely

The energy is not the same as it was. It's true that when you age a little, energy declines, but that depends on the circumstances. Some are even more active and energetic as they age. In my case, I started to feel that my energy was not the same anymore as when I was younger. I can turn morning into night and night into morning. 

When I was a young adult, I could never imagine staying up late to have fun or do schoolwork. I still have the same energy in the morning when I go to work and school. Now, sleeping late at night makes a week of sleeping early to recover. 

I want to think about the things that have happened to my body since I had my thyroidectomy. I don't have the same energy, but even before my surgery or the COVID era when everyone had to stay home, I got used to it and loved how things worked at home. It got to the point where I was okay with what is now a simpler life because I did the things I wanted to do. 

Life is a series of phases. One instance would be if you had a job and made enough money to live your life. I remember that all I wanted to do was go out, take breaks from work, travel with friends, get back in touch with former coworkers or acquaintances, and attend parties when I got the chance. Now? all I wanted to do was stay home, have an intimate family vacation without posting on social media as much as possible, and concentrate on building a home where you can rest soundly after a long day at work. At the moment, the idea of that is all about simplicity. I lost the energy! 

My Friday realization: 

You will never get back the time you wasted, so make the most of your energy and time. 

 

The complexity of life

I was reminded of the feeling I had when I wrote a blog years ago, and even though I know no one is reading it, I still get the same excitement from being able to read it over and over again and be reminded of the things I did and didn't do. Almost a decade has passed since I last wrote about my thoughts. Being an adult has kept me busy with work, school, relationships, family, and everything else that counts to being a human. In fact, I eventually reached a point where I had to deal with my mental health because I was burnt out.

It's my dream job, yet I was overwhelmed! I genuinely enjoyed embracing the things that I had once lost. Although the road was initially difficult, persistence and hard work eventually paid off. I never imagined how I got to the point where I didn't think I could achieve it. God always works in ways beyond human understanding.

The feeling overwhelms me as I write this, remembering how I used to balance blogging with my work and studies. Despite my busy schedule, I started and kept up a blog site for years. I spent several restless nights putting down on writing every thought that crossed my mind. But after those years, reality set in, bringing with it the harsh realities and unavoidable truths of life. With the growth of the internet and technology, the blogging and vlogging environments have changed, and now everyone is vlogging and creating their material for profit.

I'm enjoying writing right now. Apart from being an introvert, I want to stay because it's peaceful and simple. The world is complex enough as it is; let's not make it any more so with our own complicated lives. I want to savor the peace of mind I already have, which is already a luxury, given the prevalence of social media in today's world.

Should i be guilty?

I should be guilty to a lot of things now and I don’t think I should justify each.

I'm at my desk right now, and the Wi-Fi is down, so I utilized my hotspot to stay connected. This gives me enough of an excuse not to check our corporate email for updates since we have no connectivity. I have a lot on my plate and can't start what I intended to do.

I'm buzzing with excitement to the point where I can't bear to glance at my exam notes any longer have quite a number of books lined up for the exam, but I just can't seem to get started. My stomach is rumbling, yet I'm at a loss for what to satisfy my hunger with. Maybe because I'm the only person in the area right now, the temperature in the office is colder than usual, and I really loved having no one around to mess with my peace of mind. I am unable to even begin creating the guided questions and reflective reaction paper that I intended to give my students.

With so much to accomplish and so little time, procrastination is at its best. I had so much on my mind that all I wanted to do was write it all down, put everything on record. A part of me gets tired of the talking that comes with my job all the time. Even for a little while, maybe once or twice a week, there's something quite appealing about being quiet, walking under the trees, and taking in the fresh air. I consider myself fortunate to work in a place full of trees and blessed with cool weather.

I do, in fact, treasure my peace right now. Life gets more peaceful the less I worry about the people around me. My sanity and WiFi seem to be entwined lately, which is surprising. Hahaha

 

 

 

Limot moments

Do you know that feeling you get when you're thinking about a bunch of different things at once? You often experience moments of forgetfulness related to work, school, teaching, digital stores, and many other things.

As I was about to leave the house, I realized that I needed to bring my Gatorade and the mixed nuts my sister gave me from SNR, so I took them out of the fridge and placed them on the smaller fridge next to it. I went straight to the mirror and walked out to the door, closing the gate. I might have forgotten the Gatorade and the mixed nuts I had taken out of the refrigerator while I was making my way to the workplace, and sure enough, I had.

Around 9:30 am, I was talking to a client while on the phone, and in the back of my mind, I had to get ready for the live draw by 10:00 am, so it just went. I noticed that my boss had hurriedly gone to the car, so I quickly finished giving the client's requirements. My officemate informed me it was his schedule, but I thought it was mine, so I hurriedly ran to the car. He followed me and said, "Again, it's my schedule; can we check?" So we did, and sure enough, it is his schedule. I was going to get in the car at that point.

Since it was not my schedule, I went outside near the office to buy a coffee and a donut. Still, I forgot my phone where I saved my PWD ID, so I ordered first and returned to the office to get my phone. While scrolling through my phone, suddenly, I felt I had forgotten something, and I asked and told my other office mate and the guard who was outside too, "I just went back to get my phone, and now where's my phone?" without realizing that I was holding my phone scrolling.

I took a deep breath and let it out. I feel like my "limot moments" are growing worse every day. I could think more progressively than the other way around, and even if I might have a lot on my plate right now, I still love thinking about many things. I have ten major subjects to study, all of which are management-related, and I have to prepare my concept paper on top of that. I am under pressure because my comprehensive exam is next month. It's fortunate that I don't have too much stress at work anymore because I have an assistant who is still motivated to learn and active. I still have to prepare my students for their midterm exam and their interview guide questions, in addition to attending our live draw three to four times a week.

So, what life do I still have now? Hahaha

 

Progress makes a difference

No matter how small, it’s still a progress.

I freely acknowledge that I am not unique among those who strongly believe in God yet do not attend church every Sunday. I pray differently than what is expected and what I was taught growing up. I have always given a little thought to these things in recent years. That is, until I told myself that in 2024, I have to do something different for myself. I prefer that everything always begins within us and works its way forth. Yes, without a doubt.

I don't know; perhaps it just happened. I know my faith is strong, and I'm trying to convince myself that it is, even though it's ironic to think that, but I haven't spent more than ten minutes in prayer—that is, a prayer in which you speak to God in depth and share everything that life has taught you about turning into an adult. On the other hand, I could say that someone is praying for me up above to at least turn myself back to God.

I've created a daily practice in which I pray for at least two to three minutes as soon as I wake up and for an additional two to three minutes before bed. In just two months, this practice was gradually increased to five minutes, then ten. I started small and no matter how small it is, it’s still a progress. These days, I'm proud that it's hard for me to go even 15 minutes without praying; this change was not just caused by myself but by God, who made these things possible.

The next thing to do is to make a habit of going to church every Sunday. When life really hits you, a lot of things will just come up and try to compel you to do all these things, and I felt that I was going astray. There is a distinction between praying only to get what you desire and praying because you understand that God is the one who is in charge of your life.

 

 

 

A Letter to the Pain I Carried

 I’ve never been one to talk openly about my personal life—especially not the parts that live deep within my soul. The kind of pain I’ve carried silently. The kind only I and one other person knew. But lately, the weight has become too heavy to carry alone.

February of this year broke me. Every day felt like walking through fire—filled with fear, pain, and overwhelming sadness. I couldn’t find the strength to believe in something good anymore. The pressure, the emotional torture—it became too much. I kept holding on because a part of me still hoped, still wanted things to turn out differently. But in my heart, I knew. It was too heavy. I was drowning in my own apprehensions and fears. Even love, as strong as it once was, wasn’t enough to keep me afloat.

So I spoke the truth I had been avoiding for so long: “I can no longer see myself with you. Not now, not in the future. I cannot imagine being happy anymore.”

It broke me to say those words—words I never thought I’d say to the one person I once dreamed of a life with. You asked me what I really wanted, and I gave you the most honest answer I could: “I don’t see myself with you anymore. Deep down, I think I knew that from the start. But I still tried. I tried to fix things. I tried to prove myself wrong. I gave everything because maybe… maybe I was the one who needed to make it right.”

But even after pouring my energy, my time, and my soul into this relationship, I kept coming back to the same place—alone, confused, and hurting. I realized I still had so many unresolved issues within myself, wounds I’m forced to deal with over and over again. Nothing was ever enough.

Writing this now, all I feel is heartbreak over how easily everything fell apart. But for the first time, I’m brave enough to say it: I gave up. I gave up because I needed to choose myself.

For so long, I lived in your shadow—measuring my worth against your expectations, losing air in a space that never really felt like mine. I tried to fit into a world that was never built for me to thrive. And now, I’m choosing differently. I’m choosing me.

I think I always knew how our story would end. Maybe it was the mistakes. Maybe it was the silence when I cried, the way my pain was brushed aside while you kept choosing what you wanted. I could no longer afford to die inside just to keep something that wasn’t keeping me alive.

You saw my tears. You saw my struggle. But you saved yourself.

Now, it’s my turn.

I don’t know where this path will take me, but I hope it leads to peace. I hope I find the version of myself who is free—free from fear, from guilt, from emotional chains. I want to be whole again. I want to smile with my soul, not just my face. I want to live without always having to explain why I’m not okay.

One day, I’ll meet that version of me again.

And when I do, I will thank her—for choosing herself when it mattered most.

Food for the soul

I've admired a few bloggers for all these years who never seem to change with their blogs or love of writing. As always, I salute them for whatever motive they had. A few of them are still my friends on Facebook, and we've all had somewhat different lives throughout the years. Everybody enjoys writing a blog post daily and sharing updates; this was the norm before vlogging entered the picture.

I simply hope that I will be able to write about whatever it is that burns in my soul right now until the end of time. I've tried and tried over the years, but I can never seem to keep up with writing, and as time goes on, my memory drops and I lose both my email and account password. Despite this, I didn't give up and thought it would be good to try again and try again. Right now, my sole source of motivation is the book I intend to write! Me telling myself "weh?" 

I'm attempting to persuade myself right now that I will continuously jot down whatever ideas I have. In my opinion, blogging remains a means of fueling one's soul, a soul that is peaceful and happy, while vlogging, on the other hand, attracts an excessive number of visitors and critics on social media. Blogging? nah! just quiet & calm, no pressure of making a content after all! I still find it enjoyable to just share your views through blogging; even if no one reads them, that's okay because your thoughts and feelings now, whether positive or negative, will never again be the same in the future (maybe?) or even carry the same weight. It's just good to have a remembrance! lol 

Ms. Lah

From thoughts to execution

Four months later! At last! I've managed to talk myself back into writing! I made a lot of promises to myself when 2024 first started, including to start writing! Since January this year, I have been thinking the same thing every day: "I'm going to start writing, I'm going to write my thoughts, or like I have to start something I would love to do." It took me four(4) hard months to get to this execution, and now that I've written my first blog again, I'm enjoying my little victories!

Perseverance and persistence are necessary to keep doing the things you have always loved to do. It takes little courage to push yourself to do the things you wanted. I'm still working on it, convincing myself that I can write every day and practicing expressing what my thoughts teach me about the world and myself. I also hope that one day, my quiet dream of writing books will come true. That is - this is me writing all about it. 

I just can 't wait to write all the things my thoughts are telling me. I think I should be subscribing to the premium of BlogSpot (if there is) so I can practice committing myself to writing every day. We cannot see our future yet, but we can create it, ayt? One day, I wanted to go back to this day, reminding me that I made the best decision, even though I have struggled starting to write. There may be a lot of reasons. But what's important is that I just did!

Ms. Lah