Loud Moments

There’s something about that last argument we had that still stays with me—but not in a heavy way anymore. More like a quiet reminder of how far we’ve come, and how much we’re still learning.

I think about how loud I was, how my words came out all at once, unfiltered and overwhelming. Not because I wanted to hurt you, but because I didn’t know how else to express what I was feeling. I’ve never really been good at handling emotions when they get too big—when I’m hurt, or angry, or just mentally exhausted. My instinct has always been to either keep it in or let it explode. And that day, it was the latter.

But even in that moment, there was a small part of me hoping—sana ito na yung last time na magalit ako. The last time I’d be that loud, direct and straight. The one who sounds harsh, who feels too much all at once, and sorry may not be enough. 

What feels different now as compared to years back, I don’t feel as afraid to express myself anymore. Not because everything is suddenly easy, but because I feel like I have space. Space to be honest with what i felt, even when it’s uncomfortable. Space to say things out loud without immediately worrying that it will end us.

And you made that space.

You didn’t shut me down. You didn’t fight fire with fire. You let me say what I needed to say—even the messy parts. And somehow, your simple questions stayed with me more than anything.

“Wala ba talaga akong pagbabago?”
“Still learning on this.”

Those didn’t feel defensive. They felt sincere. And it calmed me in a way I didn’t expect. Kasi all along, ang gusto ko lang naman is to be understood. Kahit simpleng, “It’s okay, babs… next time ganito nalang ha”—it makes such a big difference. It softens everything, it changes everything. 

You’ve always known my story, the parts of me that were shaped by things that weren’t easy. And maybe that’s why what I need now isn’t complicated. Love is there, I know that. But gentleness? That’s what really heals something in me.

And lately… I’ve been appreciating of what we had, what things turn out to be after the hard argument. 

It’s actually funny to think about how we don’t argue the way we used to. How things feel calmer, lighter, though its just days pa, but i am still hopeful. There are moments I catch myself overthinking—what if this is too peaceful? what if you get bored? But I’m learning to quiet that voice.

Because this kind of peace? It’s something I want to keep. I want to hold on everyday. To be better in everyday. 

This is the kind of space where I get to grow, to write again, to slowly understand myself more—and to let you see that world too. We’re both adjusting, both learning, both figuring things out as we go. Kahit sabihin na mas “experienced” na tayo in life, when it comes to us, parang back to zero talaga. And that’s okay.

Siguro ngayon, my prayer is simple.

That we continue like this—steady, growing, understanding. That when things get uncomfortable, we talk about them without turning them into fights. Na hindi kailangan maging masakit para maging totoo.

Na we keep choosing to be gentle with each other.

Because I’m starting to realize…
love doesn’t always have to be intense to be real.

Sometimes, the kind that feels calm, safe, and a little lighter—
that’s the one worth holding on to.